Mother-Daughter Battles: When Taking Care of Yourself is Judged as 'Selfish'

This past July, my 15-year-old daughter sat on my bed and calmly told me she wanted to start living with her father full-time. It came as a complete shock to me and I immediately welled up with tears as I asked "What? Whyyyy?" 

She explained that she'd rather live with him because of two main reasons.  The back-and-forth routine of living in two households was keeping her from feeling rooted, organized, and connected with her friends.  This did make some sense to me because her dad lived closer to her school and friends. Having her things at one place would help her be more focused and organized. The other reason was harder for me to swallow -- that she just didn't feel connected to me anymore and didn't think I was the mom for her, because I was so selfish.

She objected to me putting certain core needs of mine first, rather than being the type of parent who puts their children first, no matter what (as her dad does). She also thought my expectations for keeping the house clean, for the kids' schoolwork to be their best, holding them accountable for their own responsibilities, and being firm about general behaviors that were and weren't 'appropriate'  -- were too high and, frankly, ridiculous. 

Uhhhhh......wow.

Like me, many mothers are juggling a full-time job (in my case, running my own private practice), making sure household chores are completed, getting food in and preparing meals, paying bills, IN ADDITION TO attending to their husband's and children's needs.  I was raised believing that the more we teach our loved ones how to fish (rather than giving them fish), the more they're able to take care of some of those needs on their own, helping us be less frazzled and more effective mothers (think oxygen-mask theory here).  

But no....this generation gives parents (especially mothers) a much harder time if they are made to attend to certain needs on their own. And if we take time for ourselves (which we're advised to do, even by Oprah!), or make other life decisions that feed our needs better, we are judged as utterly selfish and they feel entitled to have an equal and democratic vote in what may be changing.

Now...as a psychotherapist, I studied Piaget's developmental stages and know that parents naturally go through an "individuation" stage with their teenagers anyway.  This is the separation process that helps every adolescent disconnect from being a child to become a more independent individual.  It's the reason why they'll say the sky is purple if you say it's blue -- just to be different from you.  They'll break from old traditions, take more risks, and try to blaze their own trail away from the family.  

Daughters butt heads with their mothers most especially, with hormonal changes on both parts repelling each other like North and North poles on a magnet.

During this individuation time you'll feel like you can't win, no matter what approach you take.  They'll roll their eyes if you do or say anything, making you feel stupid, "out of touch," and old.  It can also be a hit-or-miss relationship, where some days and activities mesh well between you, but other days go down the toilet.  Either way, they'll leave you feeling rattled and confused. 

But, on a deeper level, it'll leave you feeling hurt

from this senseless abandonment by this beautiful

boy or girl who used to adore you so much.

And that's what I've felt over the past 5 months -- grieving the loss of my relationship with my daughter.  I've cried a lot, apologized, bargained, denied it, gotten angry and felt depressed.  Ultimately, though, I found myself second-guessing my gut instincts as a mother, and that's just not right.

Despite what your children's accusations are, you need to hold onto what you believe in, as a mom. In some ways, they're testing how strong your convictions really are, so stand firm with your core values.  Do I have regrets about what I should or shouldn't have said or done in the past?  Of course! But for the most part, I believe that I've loved my children by kissing and cuddling with them, empowering them to be loving people, be self-disciplined and responsible, to have a strong belief in themselves, and to follow their dreams.  It's also important to me that they take care of themselves and their things, respect authority, be mindful of how they package what they say (as my mom used to say "Know your audience!"), be able to adapt to outside changes where they won't have much choice sometimes, and -- ultimately -- to realize that the world doesn't revolve around them.

Although these might not be clear to my daughter now, I have to believe that at some point, she will appreciate these lessons as her life unfolds and will feel pulled to emulate the same values and decisions when she becomes a mother.  It truly is one of the hardest battles to choose to be true to yourself...but I can't stop fighting it. I am who I am. And if that sounds selfish and wrong, then so be it. They'll figure it out one day.