Making the Ordinary Extraordinary - My Take On Fifty Shades

I fell victim to the curiosity of one of the most talked about book trilogies this past month – “Fifty Shades of Grey.”  From what I saw and read in the news, blogs, and various articles, these books were being touted as “mommy porn” but that they were also “spicing up marriages everywhere.”  So, being the ever-inquisitive therapist and relationship guru that I am, I decided to read them (for research purposes only!  LOL!) to see what all the buzz was about.

To give you a quick summary, this is a story of a relationship between a Seattle-based, 28 year old multimillionaire named Christian Grey and a virginal recent college graduate, 22 year old Anastasia (Ana) Steele.  He originally is attracted to her as a potential “submissive”, proposing an offer (which she later rejects) to be her “dominant” by way of co-creating a contract that specifies rules and limitations of the so-called “relationship.”  She is taken off-guard when she finds herself strangely attracted to his domineering personality, and he is equally taken off-guard when he not only learns that this would be her first sexual experience, but that she is the first to question and challenge his sense of authority.  The story unfolds to reveal many other firsts for Christian, as well as for Ana, which ultimately leads to one of the most intimate and beautiful love stories I’ve ever read.

Despite the surface of the story being built upon sensual escapades between Christian and Ana, I found six other deeper developments that take place that actually may be at the heart of why some marriages are benefiting so much from the story.

The feeling of being cared for

Throughout the trilogy, Christian and Ana demonstrate their desire to take care of each other.  Of course, Christian is wealthy enough to provide Ana with many material items -- fine clothing, a laptop, a blackberry, a car (actually two!), and many other gifts.  But he also tends to her when she’s sick, hungry, lonely, cold, scared, or in need of his protection (who wouldn't want that??).  He repeatedly tells her that it's his desire TO take care of her.  Ana, in turn, takes care of Christian by providing repeated reassurance of his essential goodness, gentle touch, thoughtful gifts, and the safety and unconditional love he needed to finally trust her and become vulnerable.

The Dance of Anger

You learn very quickly that Christian is a controlling and often angry man when anyone causes harm to him or those for whom he cares; he likes to be in complete control.  At first, Ana is intimidated by this, but as their relationship develops, she learns that she, too, can express her anger toward him when he has crossed her boundaries and make him better understand her needs and the (often) inappropriateness of his demands.  It’s through these honest expressions of passionate emotions that they consequently bare their true Selves, learn the give-and-take of needs, and ultimately grow closer.

The Equality of Power and Limits

The original contract that Christian proposes to Ana explains general rules that he expects his submissives to follow, as he will be the one in Power.  But it does allow for identification of “soft” and “hard” limits – soft ones being ones the submissives can negotiate, hard ones being ones that are non-negotiable.  The relationship he ends up having with Ana shows Christian that all of his previous rules had to be taken off the table and, instead, become an evolving recognition of and respect for sharing power and identification of each others' soft and hard limits. 

Open and Honest Communication

One of the best aspects of this relationship, in my opinion, is the constant communication that Christian and Ana have.  Whether it’s via email, text, phone, or face-to-face, the attentiveness they show each other is a paramount ingredient in demonstrating how important they are to each other.  If one is quiet, the other tunes into it and asks what’s going on, inviting them to share whatever might be bothering them.  Each of them create a safe environment that ultimately helps them open up and be honest about what they’re thinking or feeling, bringing them much closer together.

Sexual Intimacy and Creativity

OK, so not everyone will be comfortable with the limits that Christian and Anastasia take their sexual relationship to, but the fact is that they are willing to take some safe risks and, again, tune into each others' needs.  Christian realizes Ana’s need for what he calls “vanilla” sex (i.e. making love), and Ana sees Christian’s need for what she calls “kinky fuckery.”  Both explore each end of the spectrum with enticement and curiosity, and they end up creating a happy medium -- a private and intimate way of loving each other physically that is unique and mutually gratifying.  It’s a dirty-little-secret kind of lifestyle that keeps the fire of their relationship going throughout the trilogy.

Self Revelation and Acceptance

All of us have baggage that is brought into relationships, and many have serious demons that have destroyed them.  In this story, Christian is one of those people.  He has hardened himself into a power-hungry, over-protective, uber-controlling individual because of an emotionally and physically abusive childhood he endured early on.  This is where the title comes in, as he warns Ana that he’s “fifty shades of fucked up.”  When she hears this, she has immediate compassion for Christian but also realizes that he’s going to be a complicated and difficult man to get close to.  As the story develops, she helps him slowly and safely break down his defenses in order to better understand the roots of his personality and behavior.  It took a lot of patience, gentle prodding, consistent affirmation, and reassurance on her part to get him to do this, but it eventually allowed him to experience true love and happiness for the first time in his life.

I really think this is a good story to use as a springboard to some candid discussions together about the various qualities of your relationship.  What limits can be pushed in your relationship?  What risks are you willing to take?  Can you find a way to be more honest about your feelings and needs and express them openly with your partner?  Where can you provide more care and attention for each other?  Are you sharing power and control in a way that's mutually agreeable?  Do you know what each others' soft and hard limits are, and are you respecting them?

So despite the books being marketed as an erotica trilogy (that are actually inspired by the author's obsession with the Twilight series, btw), I believe they also demonstrate how an intimate relationship can make the ordinary extraordinary, pushing one beyond their own limits in a safe and loving way, that draws in a richer and more emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually stimulating interaction with another human being.  There is a HUGE amount of power in that kind of connection and it's very rare.  If only we were ALL able to get that close!

As always, I welcome any reactions to or experiences from my perspective on this and other subjects. 

Namaste!