Drawing Your Line in the Sand
“The most important distinction
anyone can ever make in their life is between who they are as an individual and
their connection with others.” --Anne
Linden
A common issue that has
been brought up in my therapy sessions with clients these past few weeks is the
concept of building and maintaining appropriate boundaries in one’s life,
without sacrificing relationships. Some
clients are getting overwhelmed by care-taking responsibilities, others are
resentful for being asked to do things they don’t want to do, and still others
feel their significant others' needs have been outsourced to other individuals
or activities, violating their vows of trust and fidelity.
All of them have this in
common – that they feel violated, taken advantage of, or taken for
granted. It’s a feeling of betrayal and
hurt that others have not valued and respected certain boundaries. But my
first question to them is...
”Have you made your
boundaries loud and clear?”
All too often, guilt and
fear keep us from defining where we end and another begins – guilt that we are
being selfish and uncaring, and fear that others will be angry and reject our
new-found bravery.
Limits promote and
preserve our very INTEGRITY. Cells hold
their shape because of their membranes.
Skin holds our body together, distinguishing and protecting us from
others and our world. These barriers
determine what can and can’t permeate them.
And so it is with personal relationships. Our integrity would die if we let toxic
people or behaviors past the membranes of our lives.
GUILT
A strong deterrent from
declaring when enough is enough, is the feelings of guilt and shame for wanting
a little something for ourselves.
Mothers overextend and exhaust themselves, caring for their children,
without taking time to rest or rejuvenate.
Professionals rack up vacation or sick time because they feel guilty
about taking time off. People will
tolerate indiscretions by their spouses, because they don’t believe they
deserve 100% of their love and devotion.
We will go to various family functions we don’t want to attend, to avoid
the negative assumptions that may ensue about us if we don’t.
FEAR
For some of my clients,
defining their edges, firmly and distinctly, means that they are isolating
themselves and that no one will want to connect with them. They’ve learned somewhere in their lives that
to be in relationship means to merge
with another, not stand side-by-side. In
their eyes, being a solid and distinct person with clear boundaries means being
ALONE.
Another fear is that
others will see the new boundaries as challenges to break through, walls to
tear down, or power to extinguish quickly.
Their loved ones have gotten used to their adjustable margins and want
to keep them that way. They will try to
snap them back into that role, time and time again. Though they may say they love them, they are
not respecting these clients' limitations or integrity.
But here’s the TRUTH…
There’s a beautiful
balance you can find between both your integrity and your connection with
others. When you can establish, communicate
and then consistently enforce boundaries, the ones who matter will eventually get it and
respect you. The ones who don’t, need to
be re-evaluated and possibly extracted from your life. It makes for a more authentic and healthy
connection with others and your world, because you are being HONEST about who
you are and what your mind, body and spirit can handle.
You are no longer living
by the belief that you deserve any less than that of others.
Think of how much more
meaningful that kind of connection would be, if you could hold your own shape
and be completely in charge of which people, feelings, thoughts, values and
behaviors you let in.
So....where do you start?
Get out your journals,
drawing pads, notebooks, pens, markers, paints....whatever! Make it as creative a process as you'd like. Then
ask yourself:
What makes me survive?
What makes me THRIVE?
What makes me crumble?
What kills my Spirit?
If this doesn't come
easily for you, having a good therapist can be a helpful addition because there
may be certain people, beliefs, values, or emotions you THINK are protecting
you, when in fact they need to be challenged and redefined.
For example, you may believe:
…it’s
better not to rock the boat .
…everyone
deserves a second (third, fourth…) chance.
…you
don’t deserve the good things
…you
have to say yes to make certain people happy.
…you
have to be perfect, pretty, rich, etc.
Protect your Self as your
skin would protect your body. You can still have strong connections with
others, but you have to be loud and clear about what you expect, how much you
can do, and where you have to draw the line in the sand.
For further reading on this issue, check out:
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